The Builder, the Bruiser, and the Bystander

Every adult in youth sports leaves a lasting impact—whether they mean to or not.

In this episode, I'm inspired by Garry Linton's instagram post (@takeflightcoach) to break down the three types of adults youth athletes encounter: the Builder, the Bruiser, and the Bystander. Through real-life coaching and parenting examples, I explore how each role shapes a child’s development—on the field and far beyond it.

You’ll learn:

• How Builders create safe, growth-focused environments
• How Bruisers let ego and outcomes outweigh development
• How Bystanders, though quiet, still send powerful messages
• And how to reflect and shift your own approach, whether you're a coach, parent, or a leader in youth sports

This episode is a must-listen for anyone invested in youth sports—and ready to show up with more intention.

Transcript

Speaker: 0:01

I'm Dr. Nassim Ebrahimi, and welcome to Becoming My Stronger Me, a podcast designed to help you become stronger in mind, body, and heart. In season two, the mental performance series, we'll explore the intricate relationship between mental performance, sports excellence, leadership, and personal growth to help you become your stronger you. Today's episode is inspired by a powerful social media post that resonated with me by Gary Linton at Take Flight Coach on Instagram. It simply said, Every adult in youth sports leaves an impact. Some build, some bruise, and some just stand by. That's it. Just one sentence. But the weight of it, huge. So whether you're a coach, a parent, or someone who spends time in the world of youth sports, I want you to lean in because today we're breaking down the three types of adults kids encounter in sports: the builder, the bruiser, and the bystander. We'll talk through what each one looks like, and I'll share real-life examples both from coaching and parenting and offer some reflection questions to help you think about how you show up. So let's get into it. Let's first begin by talking about the builder, growth over ego. The builder is the gold standard. They teach, they challenge, they protect. Builders care more about the athlete's growth than their own ego. As a coach, builders are the ones who ask kids how they're doing. I mean, really how they're doing before practice starts. They focus on teaching the fundamentals and decision making, even when it slows down the game. They see mistakes as teachable moments, not as a reason to yell. They stay late to help players who ask, can you help me with this one move? I've seen coaches who approach their role as if we win, but no one grows, then I failed you. That kind of coach, that's a builder. As a parent, builders encourage the effort, not just the outcome. They say, I love watching you play, instead of giving tactical feedback in the car ride home. They ask, what did you learn after a loss? instead of, why didn't you play better? They show up to games with presence, not pressure. Builders build character. They care about who your child is becoming, not just how they perform. And they invest even when there's nothing in it for them. So a couple of reflection questions to ask yourself. Are you showing up to build skills and confidence? Are you more focused on the child's experience or your own reputation or results? And if you're not the one in youth sports, ask yourself: are the people around my child building them up or doing it for their own good? Let's talk about the bruiser, those that value their own ego over the athlete development. This is the adult who centers themselves often unintentionally. And as a coach, bruisers use athlete success to boost their own reputation. They only play the best players and neglect development for the rest. They celebrate results, but ignore emotional well-being. And they publicly shame athletes for their errors. I've heard players say, if I make one mistake, I'm done for the rest of the game. That's not growth. That's fear-based performance. As a parent, bruisers argue with coaches about playing time in front of their kids. They criticize their child's performance loudly from the sidelines. They use phrases like, you embarrass me out there. Or they compare their child to their teammates or their siblings constantly. Sometimes bruisers are motivated by love, but it's expressed through control, pressure, or misplaced expectations. Bruisers are often loud. They demand performance, not progress. And when their athlete no longer serves their purpose, they move on. So some things to ask yourself. Is your identity too wrapped up in your athlete's success? Are you teaching resilience or are you reinforcing pressure? Next, let's talk about the bystander, present but passive. These are the adults who are there, but not really present. As a coach, bystanders stick to drills, but never ask about the athlete's mindset or their emotions. They let bullying or negative behavior slide because, quote, that's just how kids are. They avoid hard conversations about growth, effort, or attitude. And bystanders don't follow up with athletes who seem to be struggling mentally or emotionally. As a parent, bystanders show up to games, but they never ask their child how they feel. They cheer, but they never really connect. They say, good job out of habit, but don't engage meaningfully. Bystanders often, as a parent, avoid conflict or advocacy even when something is clearly wrong. Bystanders don't harm, but they also don't help either. And sometimes silence stings just as much as criticism. When kids feel invisible, it chips away at their confidence. So as a point of reflection, ask yourself: are you present or are you passive? Do you truly see the young people in front of you? No matter who you are, if you're around youth athletes, you leave an imprint. So the question isn't whether you're influencing them or not. The question is how. And we all move between these rules. There are days that we show up as the builder and days we slip into bystander mode because we're exhausted or we're distracted. What matters is that we recognize it and we course correct. Because what kids need isn't perfection from us, they need presence, they need consistency. They need adults who care more about who they're becoming than what they themselves can produce. So as we wrap up, here's your challenge. This week, observe, reflect, and adjust. Ask yourself, what role am I playing most often? What habits or pressures are pulling me into bruiser or bystander territory? What's one small shift I can make to show up more as a builder? And if you're in a position of leadership, whether coaching a team, parenting a household, or running a club, remember the culture is shaped by the adults, not just the kids. Thanks for listening in today and for doing this important work, for showing up for your athletes and for yourself. If this episode made you think, feel free to share it with a fellow coach or a fellow parent. And as always, if you want to connect, you can find more at www.becoming my strongerme.com. Until next time, don't forget to subscribe to the podcast, join our Facebook group, send in your stories and feedback. And if you're looking for a mental performance coach or want more information, go to www.becoming my strongerme.com. I can't wait to hear from you.